By Kouthar Sambo
With 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence (GBV) kicking off across the globe, VOC News engaged with various individuals from different walks of life to share their perspectives and stories.
Founder of the organization Delightful Divorce, which aims to help couples avoid getting divorced, mother and rape survivor, Faatin Bux, highlighted the shame she experienced that comes with being raped.
“I befriended a young man 22 years ago, and my parents loved him. He seemed to have the look and feel of a good Muslim boy. We were alone in my car one afternoon when it happened, and I did not tell anyone until years later when I got divorced from my first husband,” explained Bux.
Sometimes we bury the shame so deeply, said Bux, that nobody will understand, irrespective of the circumstances and the fact that you are the victim.
“At 21 years old, I thought I was asking for it. How could I not have asked for it? And growing up in a Muslim home, telling my parents I got raped when it happened, would also mean that I would have to admit to being alone with the boy. And that revelation would have been far too shameful for my 22-year-old self to deal with, so I buried it deep,” detailed Bux.
Years later, after extensive growth, unlearning, and reflection, Bux revealed that what happened to her was just an incident and not who she was.
“This experience does not define me. It is the additional meanings we give it, the shame, guilt, and feeling inadequate and dirty – this is what makes the trauma all the more horrific and it sits in your body, mind, and soul and you can never wash it away but you learn to live with it,” reiterated Bux.
Bux went further and described her challenges years later as a result of her experience, and her success in finding love again.
“One deep-rooted trauma I am still healing from is related to sexual intimacy and wholesomeness. It is no surprise that my marriages were grossly dysfunctional in the sexual space,” added Bux.
“For the first time, I find myself in a loving relationship with a man who is invested in my sexual pleasure as well during intimacy, and together, we approached a relationship coach to maintain our awesomeness,” Bux proudly proclaimed.
Founder and executive director of Callas Foundation, Caroline Peters, began the organisation in 2018, which saw a spike in femicide incidents. Peters detailed the inspiration for her organisation.
“We responded to this need following femicide incidents and became a hub for our community where women came to seek counsel. After seeing many women with GBV, the food and security was a huge factor as poverty and hunger drives GBV,” expressed Peters.
The aim, explained Peters, is not only to combat the physical manifestations of GBV but to eradicate the deeply rooted patriarchal structures that perpetuate inequalities between men, women, and children.
“We engage and educate communities and assist those after the system has failed them. We recently sought a reprieve for a man who was unnecessarily charged and we assisted with that. We know that men also get abused but disproportionately and statistically, more women are abused by male perpetrators,” added Peters.
Clinical psychologist Rafiq Lockhart explained the effects of gender-based violence on a mental, psychological, and emotional level.
He also added the detrimental effects on children who witness this behavior with their parents since this behavior is manifested in their relationships as adults.
“Firstly, it affects their self-worth as they live in a constant state of fear, which results in anxiety and physical problems due to the adrenalin and cortisol. And if the children observe this, they think this is normal and it’s not. You can then see the intergenerational transfer of trauma and society does not get better,” said Lockhart.
“Women who work tend to accept higher levels of emotional abuse in the workplace – verbal abuse from work colleagues, the boss – simply because it appears to be normal and what they should accept.”
Lockhart detailed that one of the first ways to address abuse, whether physical or emotional, is to make it public and to cultivate a support group.
“Women must engage in talks, workshops, and those who share their story as inspiration and lean on others for support. For women who cannot walk away due to circumstances, they should have a calculated plan to gain independence and leave the abuser,” advised Lockhart.
“The law needs to be more hands-on and implement the law and policies that already exist to protect women,” asserted Lockhart.
Lockat shared a message for mothers rearing their sons.
“It starts at home where you teach your sons from an early age how to treat women and tell them what’s unacceptable and acceptable when it comes to women,” concluded Lockhart.
Photo: Supplied
